Alone, Addicted and Pregnant
Here is my story and what became of me and my baby.
Sometimes it feels like life is not fair or did I just take a wrong turn. One minute I’d be up and everything was great. The next minute, everything around me was going down…way down and I found myself homeless and on the streets for part of that time. My life had been a series of poor, worse, and bad decisions ever since I had started with drugs.
It was an almost “innocent” beginning. The guy was cute and smart, or so I thought and he was lots of fun. I later found out that the source of his “fun” personality was not a natural, comedic ability, but a little white line of powder that quickly became apparent. When he needed to feel “up”, he got up and was as high as he could be. We had fun, I liked him a lot and even though it was not the right thing to do, I was curious and eventually, like him, I got hooked and started using. Then, things became more complicated. I got pregnant…by him. Surprised, I guess not.
So, here I was, pregnant, addicted, scared, and alone. He moved on when he found out that I was expecting our child. So long to him, but reality was setting in that our baby, my baby, is not moving on. It’s growing every day, inside of me. I wonder what I should do or, rather, what can I do? My parents lived in another state and were divorced. My family was not the kind you went to when in need.
Having an abortion seemed like the most “obvious” choice, but in my heart, I didn’t believe that it was right. I have always strongly believed that it is wrong for me or anyone to kill an unborn child. Even though my head is not always in the best place for making decisions, I know now that being an addict was wrong but I still have some basic beliefs. I’m still human and this is one thing I was sure of. I didn’t know what to do. The baby was growing and now showing. I knew that I couldn’t keep this baby and raise it. I had my own problems to battle and overcome. Bringing a baby into this situation is not good and I fear, even now, that my baby may have some issues due to my drug use. I would try to stop, but it’s just not that simple. Every day was a struggle as I lived my life, my baby was growing too. So, I saw this ad about adoption and decided to give it a shot. I figured that the only thing that they could do was say yes or no, right? I could hang up. I called them and asked questions.
I called the National Adoption Answer Line. The lady was very non-judgmental. Of course, I could tell that she knew that I was using. So, I decided to be honest. I told her all about me. I had never met this woman before, but I felt so free when I talked to her that I just poured my heart out and told her all that I was facing. After I cried in her office and hung my head with shame as she tried to console me…I felt a kick! It was the first time that I had ever felt my baby. That’s when I knew that what I was planning to do was the right thing. I was making the best decision for me and my baby. I felt a sense of relief and for the first-time hope.
The adoption coordinator told me about my options and showed more about families at LifetimeAdoption.com. There were families that wanted to adopt my baby, even though I had used drugs. I found one family that just looked like the perfect parents. Reading about them, it let me see that I would be helping a childless couple. My baby would be adopted by a loving family that would give them a life that I could only dream of. I was happy for doing something good. I realized at that moment that giving my baby a chance was also the beginning of a new life for me. My baby deserved a chance at life.
It is 3 years later; I’m now clean, sober, and free and working full time in a job that meets my needs. My baby was born addicted but with quick medical intervention, she has thrived and has gone into a loving home. Her adoptive parents are perfect and so is my baby. She is growing up in a healthy, happy family, with the love that she deserves to have. I am growing up, too. Seeing her come through this has encouraged me to work, everyday, to see my way through. I have a new life. My baby has a new life. Her new adoptive parents have a new life.
Life is good and full of potential and possibilities…even for someone like me that took a wrong turn in my life. I think more people should consider adoption and that is why I’ve shared my story and my choice for my child. I hope if you are like I was and need help you will get it and make something good out of a bad situation. You are worth it and so is your baby.
By Hilary, age 27